My Day in the Life of a Woman Climber

As a member of the male species, I’ve always wondered what really goes on in the world of women, especially at the cliff. How do they approach hard climbs? What do they talk about? And what happens at the end of the day after the climbing is done? I decided to take my investigative skills and find out.

Saturday my wife and eight of her friends had plans to go out climbing, I figured this was the perfect opportunity. I donned a wig and introduced myself as Billy Jean, and my cover must have been better than it looked in the mirror, because they encouragingly welcomed me to join them for the day. Even the two dogs with us were females, and we turned the heads of every guy climber who came across our path. I got some odd looks, but what’s a girl to do? Anyways, here’s what I learned:

1) They were all very encouraging with each other, no matter what the grade of the climb was. The whole experience felt very real, with little ego or attitude being thrown around. They all just wanted to have fun and try hard. Absent was the usual posing and shit talking that accompanies male outings.

2) It did seem like there was excessive concern about the fit of the apparel they had chosen for the day. Do these pants make my butt look big? Are you sure this top doesn’t reveal too much of my chest? I didn’t have much to offer in this department, other than the encouraging “Nope, your butt looks great, boobs, I mean chest, too.”

3) The talk ranged from the climbs at hand, to farting, to the lack of good single guys in the Roaring Fork Valley. Men, I must warn you that if you try this on your own, some of your long standing illusions about women may be shattered. (Unless your married, in which case the gig is already up and you know that women actually do poop and no it doesn’t smell like roses.)

4) They climb, well, like girls! Lots of footwork and thought is what gets them up the rock. Thankfully I was still resting a strained rotator cuff, otherwise my manly climbing style might have blown my otherwise excellent cover.

5) There is no mythical underwear pillow fight at the end of the day. We hit up a mellow and surprisingly cheap dinner in Aspen, and then headed back to Carbondale where we watched Troop Beverly Hills and drifted off to sleep.

Overall I’d have to say it was an extremely educational experience, but again I caution any other men out there not to take on such an investigation lightly. You might shatter years of misconceptions, although that could actualy help your chances with the ladies, so don your wigs and get out there!