Meet Ze Sharp, Svelt Permadraw!

Allo. I am ze Permadraw – a quickdraw zat never leaves ze bolt on which it hangs. I am here to serve you on ze project as best I can.

Ah, but befor’ we get started, you need to know something about my past. I am varee old, perhaps older zan you.

Wait! I do remember you … from somewhere distant – ah yes – you were zat kid, a kid I saw at ze gym, ten years ago! I was a dogging draw then. I was hanging on a man’s harness at ze time. Yes, look at you. You’re so grown up now, and climbing strong!

So vwe meet again. And, may I say, you have exquisite taste in your projects, young sir!

Zeese route is both lovely and challenging, like a fine woman. It has just a hint of masochism. To handle zeese challenge, you have to be obsessed. Ze blue streak with ze tufas – she will cut you! Most abandon her as “Krazy Hard.” But your intentions are serious, I zink.

So, since I like your face, I will clue you in on a leetle beta! See how my gate is facing left? It should be facing right, but someone flipped me around zeese way, bekause I am so sharp agains’ ze rope on ze other side. … Feel for yourself … you see?

I am here to serve you, but I am also dangERous. We types of permadraws – notice how we come hand in hand with zeese bOOtiful routes zat are like ze fine women? Everyone wants zem, but few are willing to give up fresh hardware to do zem. Zey do not have ze commitment, yes? Perhaps it is a lack of belief in zemselves. So, ze route, she gets stuck with zeese ol’ boyfriends like me hanging around. Ha! Go ahead and use me to get close to her. But don’ be surprised if I let you down quite suddenly. You must watch my sharp side!

Anyvway, I started to tell you about my past, which you should know. Most of ze time people remain clueless, and don’t care where I come from. I suspect it’s because zey know enough to know zey don’ want to know. But you – you I like. I really hope I don’t drop you accidently. Zat would be a shame.

Zere was zis roaring, cocky bastardo, and his girlfriend (salope!) – I would have really enjoyed dropping him. His greatest talent was his imagination! Ha! He zought he could do zeese route! It vwas all show. Entertaining at first, yes, but got old fast. He grunted and flexed, and chalked and posed like he vwas doing ze route. Zenn, when he fell – often – he would scream and kick ze wall, as if to show everyone zat he zought he vwas better zan ze route. Which of course was not ze case. Ha! I would have liked to show him vwhere he belonged. On ze ground. Ha!

In fact I am in a weakened state from zat abuse. I hope, sincerely, zat I do not let you down, mon ami. I will do my best to support your effort. But I am severely sun baked on my backside – you see? – and my nylon is fraying.

After I saw you in ze gym zose years ago, I was dropped from ze top of a route. I landed on a pile of rocks. My bolt-end carabiner was chipped. My master re-equipped me with a spare biner. Zat spare biner had also been dropped once and salvaged from anozer accident. My master hung us on ze anchor of his project, which he sent quite fast, in only six goes. He left me and some of my associates on ze route, though; he decided we were due for retirement, and zat we would be of convenience to others trying ze route. Zenn came along ze brute, ze bastardo I told you about. Ze man took me for his own when he sent zat route, and he hung me here.

He took his other draws when he left. But he abandoned me. I was worn to ze point of trash, and he got me for free anyvway, so he did not care to take me back. Zank God. I could not stand anozer moment on his rack!

Others have been along since him, but I provide such excellent service at no cost, people even believed it would be wrong to take me down, zinking I belonged to someone who would miss me.

Sir! I besiege you, take me out of zis misery. I am trash now, if I wasn’t zenn! Only hear what I say. Oh, zank you! Zank you!

What’s zat? My accent is not consistent with any single European accent? Zis is true! How would you expect a permadraw such as myself NOT to be so eclectic, and NOT to be European, where my ancestors hail since ze dawn of ze Bosch? Indeed, I am all nacionalités zat are “sport climber.” Oui. But I am partial to ze French.

Now take me ah-vway before I get noticed by ze land managers! Zey would love to have me as an excuse to close zeese cliff zat is so full of ze yelling climbers.

Good luck on ze project, mon ami. Adieu.

Derek Franz writes a blog for SplitterChoss.com once a month. Visit derekfranz.com for more of his writing and photos.